fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please, let me fuck your mom
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
