I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
