sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
