Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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