dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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