On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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