I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
