I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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