i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
