I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
