I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
