you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
