I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
