I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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