lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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