Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
