I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
