Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
