There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
