Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
