Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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