I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am one with the molecules
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
