someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
