Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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