yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
