sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
