how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I enjoy the company of your penis
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