she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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