i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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