I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
