The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize