i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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