I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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