I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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