i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
