Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
