apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
