4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
