I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
