I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
