Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
