cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
