News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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