My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
