dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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