Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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