I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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