How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
