She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
