When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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