I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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