tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
