hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I love you. Go after that dick
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
