i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize