I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
