I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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